年轻人的职业自由与职业现实 英语作文怎么写｜雅思作文批改笔记
职业发展和生活方式一直是雅思大作文的重点话题。
Some people think young people should be free to choose their jobs, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
有人说年轻人有选择任何职业的自由，但有人认为他们在求职时应该更现实些、多考虑自己的将来。你赞同哪一种观点？
雅思大作文批改范例 6分
01首段
Nowadays, there is a debate among people about whether the youth should choose their careers freely or be cautious and realistic about their jobs. This passage will discuss both of views and give my own opinion.
02主体段一
On the one hand, someone suggest that young people should try different jobs rather than find a specific job instantly in order to find areas suitable to them, because doing an unsuitable occupation would pose negative influence on（注意此处介词是on） people’s mental and physical health.
Furthermore, as the development of society, a number of new occupations in different fields have been created, which（非限定性定语从句常用which引导，不要用that）means that more and more young people could devote themselves to new fields without related knowledges.
（为什么随着新工作越来越多，人们可以在没有相关知识的情况下投身新的领域，这个没有解释清楚，因此逻辑上有点牵强，此外建议最后应该回归到论点上来得出人们可以自由选择职业，这样更加扣题，可以改为Choosing a profession of one’s preference makes work very interesting and also provides satisfaction. Making one’s own choice also gives a sense of ownership and responsibility. Individuals are more likely to strive to achieve excellence in a profession they like. ）
主体段二
On the other hand, other people support that young people should be realistic and think twice before they involve in jobs. Because amount of pressures, like house-loan, car-loan, are put on the youth in modern world, as the result they cannot make rash decisions but measure every potential consequence behind their choices and decisions.
It is obvious that people who find a decent and satisfied job early can take advantage of the career advancement, medical treatment and children education since they gain experience and make money early.
（take advantage of意为利用，这句话作者想表达找到体面工作的人可以利用职业发展、医疗和儿童教育，因为他们在早期获得了经验并赚了钱，不明白作者想表达什么意思，早期的经验和论点中的realistic关系不够直接，因为就算不realistic也能积累工作经验。建议it后面的句子和换为：
Almost everybody has a dream job in his youth age, but there may be a huge gap between the knowledge one has in one field and the skills or knowledge a job requires.
Some young people spare no efforts to strive for a job beyond their real ability, which is no more than a waste of time. But getting a more realistic job may in stead accelerate their success and help them achieve a better future.
这样的论证更合理一些。）
结尾
In my opinion, it seems reasonable for young people to choose their jobs freely as they can, undergraduates in particular, have easier access to diversified courses rather than specialties at universities.
For instance, the related courses in fields of AI, data analysis and self-driving are hardly set at universities yet, so many well-done participants who do（注意主谓一致，主语为复数） not have related experience or degrees are attracted by those fields.
However, young people should specialize in particular areas after they choose their own areas, so that they could make devotions in daily life but not（可替换为rather than） waste their lifetime by transferring jobs constantly.
· 写作任务回应：
文章基本上回应了写作任务，论述了年轻人是应该自由选择职业还是应该根据现实情况和未来发展来选择，思路比较清晰，但是论证的深度和扣题度还可以再提高一些。
· 连贯与衔接：
文章的连贯性与衔接性一般，可以多使用一些标志性的衔接词，比如在表示后一句是前一句的结果可以用as a result/therefore等等这样的连接词，让条理更加清晰，举多个观点的时候可以用in addition/apart from that等等词组告诉别人接下来要说的是另一个方面了，同时内容上，与论点关系不大的内容笔墨可以花少一点，提高语言的简练度，扣题要直接，最后问题的回归点要为论点服务。
· 词汇与语法：
文章出现了一些语法和词汇错误，比如主谓不一致，固定搭配使用不当等等，个别单词拼写错误以及句子成分不完整。
· 提升建议：
作者可以适当地举一些例子或者增加对比的手法来增加文章的论证深度，同时论证的时候要注意点题，此外减少一些简单的语法错误，提高准确度。