如何让你的雅思作文变得更好？
作为一名写作老师，最熟悉的就是学生每天递交上来的不同语言风格，不同句型难度以及不同思路表达的作文。本文将通过一篇学生习作中的段落，向大家讲述一段文字被如何层层分解，再逐句整合，最终变成了修改之后的样子。
题目：
Some people think that the aim of school is turn children as citizens and workers .On the contrary, others think that school education benefits them as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
下文是学生的第1个主体段，意在同意学校的教育目的是培养孩子未来成为社会好公民，有好的工作。
It must be admitted that the aim of school to turn children as good citizens and workers does facilitate economics development and help social stability. By turning them as good workers, they can improve the efficiency of production, and as good citizens, they can obey the regulation better. Also, as good workers and citizens, people can bear less pressure than before because they mainly focus on their own life rather than explore themselves.
很明显这是作者的让步段，主要存在以下问题：
1. 理由空泛，用“经济发展和社会稳定”这样的词汇做理由很难进行进一步拓展。
2. 词汇表达重复，个别信息指代不明。
3. 有不地道的语言表达。
接下来看圆子老师如何修改的：
第一遍修改主题句和拓展句
首先跟大家分享下圆子老师主题句的注解：主题句是段落的核心,但要记住,一个段落只有一个中心,这个中心要清晰地表达出来。
上文的主题句主要问题是中心不够明确（在主题句中不要出现并列结构）；中心表达模糊，范围太大。
段落第一句话修改后：
It must be admitted that the aim of turning children as good citizens and workers surely helps social stability.
针对拓展句，有以下两点要求：1. 切题相关 2. 有细节支持
本段的主题句段首句，其他的信息应该围绕第一句话展开。本段拓展句最大的问题就是缺乏细节。
请同学们对比以下两个片段：
学生作文：By turning them as good workers, they can improve the efficiency of production, and as good citizens, they can obey the regulation better.
圆子老师的作文：It is in the common belief around the world that one of the most important function of schools is supplying both skill and morally qualified talents to society. A person, without embracing traditional good values such as respecting the old, helping the weak and showing modesty, may not integrate himself into society.
在学生的作文中，我们可以看出good workers, good citizens, improve the efficiency, 以及obey the regulation better 都相对空泛，对于主题句的拓展力度不够。
Good workers 的解释可以这样写：workers with skills
Good citizens可以做以下解释：morally qualified talents
好公民的具体表现如下：respecting the old（尊敬长辈），helping the weak and showing modesty（礼貌待人）
第二遍修改语言表达,让语言表达更地道
obey the regulation better改成better obey social regulations and rules
improve the efficiency of production改成enhance productivity
bear less pressure than before改成 are more resilient to stress
focus on their own life 改成pay more attention to their living conditions
经过两遍修改，这个段落的最终版本如下：
It must be admitted that the aim of turning children as good citizens and workers surely helps social stability.It is in the common belief around the world that one of the most important function of schools is supplying both skill and morally qualified talents to society. A person, without embracing traditional good values such as respecting the old, helping the weak and showing modesty, may not integrate himself into society.